Sometimes I do some basic bitch movements, I know I do. Using hashtags, watching The Vampire diaries, taking pics of food whilst standing on a chair … C’est basic!
But I have fun doing it and with less fear of judgement than a did a few years ago and the main reason is trying to shift that energy and having individuals around that breed desire to change. I feel like that sounds like I need someone to enable my penis connoisseur behaviour. ( I do). I feel less pressure to hide my geekiness, my fat rolls, my inability to catch a beat etc. Your friends/partner should be on your team; if you walk away from either feeling like their sapping your energy or making you feel like shit. Stop that shit! Wrap that shit up immediately!
I realised I was embracing discomfort in friendship groups; I would feel this sense of foreboding, like an unease in my heart. The positions of discomfort I would put myself in because I dislike confrontation and the need to please people. The verbal equivalent of looking at me like I’m short… That up and down assessing look to see if I have engaged in the appropriate ways.
If it fails, silent displeasure and that eye-contact amongst themselves with slight smirking and making indiscreet gestures and commenting on how amazingly confident I am… Passive aggressive est.2009. I used to watch the other girls not wanting to be the first one to leave the ‘room’ because they didn’t want to be talked. NOT TODAY SATAN, NOT TODAY.
But why? Why did I bite my tongue? Usually my mouth goes off like a discount hooker on the weekend…It’s just misplaced loyalty, one of the hardest things to do is to expect the same level of respect from friends as you would from someone you’re in a relationship and vice-versa.Sel
- Have a me day. I will get up in the morning, switch off my phone, insist on not showering, find a game I haven’t completed; recipes I found on buzzfeed involving lots of cheese/rainbow icing; search for old episodes of Friends/ Dawsons creek; do a puzzle. Anything distracting yet fun.
- Write. Write anything or everything. Lists, plans, my kill list.
- Masturbate…Determine if it’s truly loneliness… Nahwahimsayin?!? LOL
- Music. Loud but no morose cut-myself-into-pieces-this-is-my-last-resort stuff. Something that makes me feel like I’ve got this. Whether it’s Pop Smoke or Ari Lennox.
- Workout. I know, I know… that sounds like such a Daily Mail suggestion.
- Take myself out on a date, buy myself a drink, nice dinner.. see no. 3
- Volunteering, doing something for other people feels so good that it feels selfish.
The main thing is to be able to remember to be strong lil grasshopper; you’ll fall for a lot less bullshit. As rupaul said “If you can’t love yourself… *frantic drag queens join in*… How in the hell you gon’ love somebody else”.